O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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