Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
