Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
