don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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