Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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