My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
