My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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