I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
