I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
