I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
