Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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