She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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