4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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