DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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