and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
