May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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