Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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