I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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