my phone needs a breathalizer
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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