On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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