Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
