I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
