Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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