i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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