Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
