How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
