it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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