I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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