im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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