First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
