Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
