So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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