I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
