she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
