you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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