Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Pants are for mortals
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
