Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
