Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize