I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
