well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize