My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
