did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize