You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
