You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
