Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
