if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
