then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize