My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
