Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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