Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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