There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
