he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
