Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
