I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize