Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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