i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
