i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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