So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
