one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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