I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
