watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
